About the custom of "wife stealing": A happy ending for "stolen" relationships

(Baonghean) - Relationships built through the custom of “wife stealing” often have a lasting effect. They live happily together because they have overcome difficulties to come together voluntarily and they have freedom in marriage…

Khe Bu village (Chau Khe commune - Con Cuong) is a residential area of ​​152 households, the majority of whom are Dan Lai people. The press has talked a lot about this ethnic minority community as one of the smallest indigenous communities in Nghe An. Boys and girls here have the habit of getting married early, and often have many children. The Dan Lai people in Chau Khe live in harmony with the Thai people, so the custom of "wife stealing" is also a phenomenon in their married life. Because they live close to each other, it is inevitable that boys and girls from these two communities love each other and start families. However, in the past, the Thai people's philosophy of life still discriminated against the Dan Lai people. They were still called by contemptuous names by the Thai people. Much later, when the Dan Lai people had more contact with the outside society, their image also improved a lot. Today, it must be said that the Thai people no longer look down on the Dan Lai people.

Because of discrimination, many people in the Thai community previously forbade their children from marrying Dan Lai people. In order to be together, the “lovebirds” stole their parents’ permission to get married. Among them were La Van Sao (Dan Lai) and Lo Thi Van (Thai) in Khe Bu village.

Mr. Sach and Ms. Chien by the fire on a winter day.

Sao recalled that it was in 1990, when his parents moved to Chai village, Chi Khe commune (Con Cuong). Everyone in the village knew about his family's Dan Lai roots, although they didn't say it out loud, many people looked down on him. However, Sao was known to be a hard-working and healthy person. He fell in love with his older neighbor. His sincerity was reciprocated by Van. However, her family strongly objected. "In that case, let's secretly get married." Sao suggested and received a nod from her.

On the night of the 29th of Tet, it was freezing cold, while the bride's family was sleeping, waiting for the 30th to get up and slaughter the pig, Sao's group of "thieves" also approached the house. According to the pre-arranged plan, one person brought the betel box on the bride's family altar, the other group picked up the bride. At dawn, the father called his son to boil water to slaughter the pig, but he couldn't find him, thinking he was at a friend's house. In the morning, when he got up to clean the altar for the New Year's Eve meal, he saw the betel box and bottle of wine, only then did he realize that his daughter had run away with her husband. When the New Year's Eve meal was displayed, the groom's family brought offerings to apologize. On Tet, Thai people have the habit of being patient to maintain peace because they are worried that after Tet they will quarrel all year, so the bride's family only "fined" the groom's family 20,000 VND for formality and then let it go. Sao was accepted as the son-in-law in the family.

After the marriage, Sao and Van's family faced many difficulties. The two were immediately allowed to live separately. In the small hut, there was only a small pot and a few bowls for eating rice. He begged for a broken tripod, which had to be propped up with a stone. It was a bad harvest year, so sometimes they had to ask for rice from relatives to get by. After 2 years of struggling with poverty, he and Van returned to their ancestral homeland, Khe Bu village. Back then, it was said that this remote area was deep in the mountains and deserted. However, this land helped him nurture his will to escape hardship. And from here, his children were born and received a good education. After more than 20 years of hard work, his family is no longer as poor as before, his children are all sent to school by their father, including 2 daughters who are students at Vinh University.

Mr. Sao confided: For more than 20 years, he has been going to his grandparents' house regularly without missing a single year. Before, when there was no motorbike, he would go through the forest and mountains to get there. At the fastest, it would take 5 hours to get to his grandparents' house. Now, he has a motorbike. That is the duty and also the affection of a son-in-law for his wife's family as a way to repay the kindness of his parents who gave birth to him and to marry a virtuous wife.

After nearly 25 years of living together with Sao, Van still has not had a wedding. The writer of this article asked: "Are you sad about this?". Van just smiled gently: "If we can live together for this long and still be in harmony, why do we need a wedding? Besides, we still have to take care of 3 children who are all in school." For the couple who have overcome hardships together and overcome discrimination from the community as well as more than 20 years of hardship, the wedding seems to be of little importance. The best thing for them is that the family is always in harmony, cares for each other and works together to produce. When winter comes, every afternoon Sao cooks a pot of sour leaf water for her to bathe. According to folk experience, bathing with leaf water will help dry skin. She often receives her husband's attention with a friendly gesture.

In Khe Bu village, not only Sao and Van got married following the custom of “stealing” wives. The reason these couples came together was more or less due to the discrimination between Thai and Dan Lai people in the past. Nearly 20 years ago, La Van Mun and Vi Thi Thuy also came together in this way. Mun fell in love with Thuy, a Thai person in Diem village (Chau Khe commune), and was forbidden by his wife’s family. The two “stolen” each other for nearly 10 years, when the family’s economy gradually stabilized, they returned to their parents’ house to ask for permission to hold a wedding. Now they have grandchildren. Every time they remember this story, they still tell each other that it was fortunate that there was such a custom that they became husband and wife.

The story of Mr. Lang Van Sach and Ms. Lang Thi Chien in Ke Sung village (Mau Duc commune - Con Cuong) is somewhat different. Being a hard worker and quite good at farming, Mr. Sach won the affection of Ms. Chien in the neighboring village. When discussing the wedding, her family "suggested" the groom's family to "steal" their daughter to be their daughter-in-law. At that time, the family's economic conditions were too difficult, so they could not organize a wedding for their daughter. The groom's family still organized a grand wedding, but the bride's family only prepared a meal for relatives and villagers to share the joy. After 7 years of marriage, thanks to his diligence in business, Mr. Sach was able to buy 2 tractors and build a wooden house for himself.

Mr. Sach recalls: The roads were difficult at that time so he had to pick his wife up by motorbike. That was also a happy memory of the most difficult days in their family life.

In addition to the sad stories that the author has had the opportunity to tell readers in this article, the custom of “wife stealing” is fundamentally a beautiful thing. This custom has helped many people find love, many people have overcome taboos and discrimination between communities to achieve love and freedom of marriage.

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