In the countryside of Nghe An, people go to weddings without giving envelopes.

Wedding custom: daughters do not receive gifts

In mid-January 2024, we met Mr. Hoang Thanh Do (54 years old) when he was preparing to attend the wedding of an acquaintance in the commune. Having been the Hamlet Chief of Trung Hau Hamlet, Dien Van Commune (Dien Chau) for nearly 10 years, Mr. Do has a wide network of acquaintances, so he often has to attend many weddings, especially during the wedding season at the end of the year. "Fortunately, in this commune, guests do not have to give envelopes at most weddings. So the economic burden is relieved," Mr. Do said with a smile.

The custom of not giving envelopes to weddings has existed for a long time, not only in Dien Van commune but also in neighboring communes such as Dien Kim and Dien Bich. Over time, this custom has gradually changed. According to the elders here, in the past, whenever a wedding was held for a child, whether male or female, no gifts were accepted. Those who attended the wedding usually brought drinks to celebrate with the family, and absolutely did not bring money or valuable gifts. Around the early 80s, due to the high cost of the wedding feast, the village allowed the groom's family to receive gifts, while the bride's family absolutely did not accept any gifts.

People here believe that a daughter getting married is "a blessing and fate for the daughter", so on the wedding day, they only invite a few brothers and relatives to drink a cup of wine to celebrate. "Before the daughter gets married, the groom's family will come to the bride's house to pay the dowry. The bride's family considers this money as a blessing for the daughter getting married, to be used for the wedding. Almost no one in the village accepts red envelopes at the weddings of daughters," said Mr. Hoang Sy Hue (73 years old), resident of Yen Dong hamlet, Dien Van commune, about the reason for refusing to accept red envelopes at the weddings of both daughters a few years ago.

In fact, the dowry in this rural area is not large, ranging from 5-15 million VND, depending on the circumstances of each family. That amount is not enough to cover the cost of a decent wedding, most of which is still taken care of by the bride's family. Spending but not earning, most of the weddings at the bride's family are usually organized internally by the people of Dien Van commune, with few guests from far away to reduce the financial burden. Mr. Hue said, thanks to this custom, many bride's families can organize a wedding party for their children with only relatives and close friends without facing the reproach of friends and acquaintances from far away.

The custom of not accepting wedding envelopes for daughters used to exist in many villages in the coastal areas of Dien Chau district. However, due to opinions that "male preference over female" caused disadvantages and economic burdens for many families with many daughters, many places decided to abandon it. In some areas, families with only daughters often receive a wedding envelope once to "receive blessings" from the village, and subsequent weddings are only organized in a small way, without receiving gifts. Some areas such as Dien Van commune have made some changes to make it more suitable.

Mr. Hoang Thien Long - Chairman of Dien Van Commune People's Committee said that currently, not only weddings at the bride's house, many weddings at the groom's house also do not accept red envelopes. "Nowadays, many people who organize weddings for their children usually only invite and receive red envelopes once, regardless of the boy or girl. Families with 3 sons only invite once, and do not accept red envelopes for the next times. Besides weddings, people in Dien Van commune now rarely organize housewarming parties, if they do, they only prepare a few dishes to invite close relatives," said Mr. Long.

Wedding without invitations

Like most other families in Dien Van commune, Mr. Hoang Thanh Do also followed the rules when organizing the wedding of his two children. For his son, Mr. Do prepared 50 banquets, with 500 guests attending. At this wedding, Mr. Do accepted wedding envelopes from guests. However, at his eldest daughter's previous wedding, Mr. Do also prepared 40 banquets, but did not accept any wedding money.

“In our Trung Hau hamlet alone, over 90% of households follow this custom. The rest, for many reasons, mostly because their children work far away, so we sympathize with them,” said Mr. Do.

Like other families, each time he held a wedding for his children, Mr. Do spent very few wedding invitations, most of the people voluntarily attended. “At my son’s wedding, there were 500 guests, but before that, I only sent out about 100 invitations. These invitations included relatives to show respect and friends from far away, because I was afraid they would not know the news. As for the guests in the commune, they came without invitation. Some came because of affection, some because I used to go to their weddings, now they come again,” Mr. Do said.

In addition, according to Mr. Do, most weddings here do not book restaurants, but the host prepares the food themselves. When the wedding day comes, relatives and acquaintances voluntarily come to help, each person lending a hand. “Because wedding invitations are not sent out, it is difficult to predict the number of guests to prepare the trays, so having too many or not enough trays is easy to happen. However, whenever there are more guests than expected, each person will start preparing more trays. Food is easy to buy, so it does not take much time. If there is excess, there are children and grandchildren, so there is nothing to worry about,” Mr. Do said with a smile.

Similar to the people in Trung Hau hamlet, Mrs. Tran Thi Loan (70 years old), in Yen Dong hamlet, said that her family had organized 5 weddings for her children (3 boys, 2 girls), but only received a red envelope once at the wedding of her eldest son. The next times she organized her children's weddings, regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl, Mrs. Loan and her husband did not accept money. Having determined this, Mrs. Loan did not prepare a box for the envelopes at the weddings, but many guests from far away, not knowing this custom, still tried to "shove" the wedding money into her and her husband's pockets.

Vu Thi Lien (70 years old) refused to accept red envelopes at her two daughters' weddings, but she said she "didn't feel any loss". Not accepting money, Lien's daughter's wedding only had 20 trays, inviting relatives and close neighbors to join in the fun. "If we took the wedding money and then organized a big party with hundreds of trays, it would cost more and be more tiring. If I don't accept money, I won't have to worry about how much money to give at other weddings in my village," Lien said with a smile.

Nearly 10 years ago, when she was a senior student in Hanoi, Ms. Pham Thi Hang (32 years old) in Dien Van commune, was urged by her friends to get married many times with the reason "when you get married, you don't have to send an envelope, right? So we can eat for free." Each time like that, Hang just smiled and said: "That's right. But I don't accept an envelope, so when you get married, you don't have to give back." For Ms. Hang, the custom of not accepting an envelope at weddings is a beautiful thing, helping many people no longer feel burdened every wedding season.

Dien Van has 6 hamlets, with about 9,000 people, living along the riverbank. The name of the commune is taken from the name of the last section of the Bung River before flowing into the sea - Lach Van. In the past, Dien Van people mostly relied on salt making, fish grilling..., life was quite difficult. In recent years, thanks to labor export, people's lives have gradually improved.

According to Mr. Hoang Thien Long, currently in the commune, over 80% of households follow this custom every time they hold a wedding. “Changing the custom as it is now helps to make it more civilized. Each family only holds a wedding and receives an envelope once. So, there are many children as well as few children, boys as well as girls. Depending on the circumstances, for families with conditions, the weddings do not receive envelopes but are still very grand and crowded. But families with more difficult circumstances organize internally, with fewer dishes to save costs,” said the Chairman of the People’s Committee of Dien Van commune.