Now, sometimes when I look back at my life of nearly 40 years, I feel regretful because I have accepted many wrong opportunities - things that would not have happened if I had the courage to say "No"! "Yes" and "No" are symbolic answers to choices. In this world, saying "Yes" is easy, following the crowd is easy; but saying "No" is not like that. Saying "No" requires great wisdom and courage.
Of the 12 years of high school, I was a student at a specialized school and a selective class. Needless to say, my parents were proud of their “beloved daughter”’s academic performance and exam results. That pride was built on the belief that my parents were on the right track in pushing me, setting standards, and mapping out the path for each stage of my growth. During those years, I dreamily believed what I was taught: “Parents are doing this for your own good!”, “Teachers are right, you need to take extra classes”, “You won’t be good at studying block D, just focus on studying block A”, “The jobs you like are just temporary, just listen to your parents, you have to take this exam”… Both at home and at school, I lived under such “soft control”, I felt like for many years, the only thing my brain did besides studying was to unconsciously agree with everything my parents and teachers said. I rarely say “No”, rarely refuse or object to anything. Sometimes I feel upset because things don’t go my way, but I always compromise because I’m afraid of being different, afraid of offending others, or disappointing my parents. I think, well, what my parents and teachers say is of course right. The truth belongs to adults, to the crowd.
When I went to university, graduate school and especially participated in professional training courses with foreign colleagues, I realized how confused and inferior I was because for a long time I was only comfortable with the answer "Yes". Agreeing easily in every situation made my brain forget the skills of arguing, asking questions and considering and screening options. More dangerously, with personal experience, I realized that I seemed to have lost my creativity and decisive courage in work as well as in life. Everything only broke out one day 5 years ago, when I was assigned by the company to participate in a multinational project with many foreign colleagues, the German strategist called me into a private room. He said: I am very sorry to have to make the decision that you will have to leave the group. We need creativity and innovation, need people who constantly ask questions to find loopholes in the plans. And he spent another 30 minutes talking to me about the right to say no, the right to object, the right to doubt, the right to ask questions – things that he believes are the rights and skills necessary for an autonomous adult.
That short conversation that year steered the trajectory of my life in a different direction. I asked myself many questions: Do I really want to do this job? Do I really love this job? Will I be worse off if I leave this job? And I listened to my heart. It said “No”. Giving up 8 years of being attached to a boring, repetitive job that did not bring much useful value for personal development other than a stable salary, I entered a new job that my parents constantly complained about as ridiculous and no one is that perverse, but I have never felt so completely happy.
Recently, more and more friends have come to me for advice. Friends of the same age, who have enjoyed the same family and school education, therefore encounter similar problems, not only in work but also in marriage and family life. Some people choose the wrong husband, because they get married based on their parents' guidance and temporary emotions. Some others choose the wrong career, also because they absentmindedly choose to study a "hot" major based on social rumors without ever asking themselves what they really like or want. Some people choose the wrong purpose in life, and walk their whole lives in a daze. Of course, for anyone, this life is a big lesson, we all grow up through countless mistakes and trials; but I wish that I and everyone could have learned to say "No" earlier, right from the family, in school. Because after all, when we receive lessons from the hustle and bustle of life, we must pay a huge price!
