Protect your child from “man's greatest enemy”

Children are so innocent and pure from a young age, seeing everything as beautiful, without prejudice or judgment. Then, in the blink of an eye, we suddenly see an “adult” with all sorts of problems.

So when did I become my own enemy? What kind of me am I?

“Ego” – is the biggest enemy of human life. Children grow up, begin to have a sense of “self”, but most of them are not guided to build a good, correct “self”. A system formed in an old society that still has a heavy ideology of hierarchy, evaluating people based on social position and money/degrees (typically the education system that pursues achievements) has increasingly nurtured that ego in a bad direction every day.

I am this, I am that. I have this, I have that. Me, me, me… The Ego is the source of all suffering. The taller the tree, the longer its shadow. The more successful, wealthy, talented I am… the deeper my arrogance, fear, and desire become, so deep that I am unrecognizable.

Children are innocent and pure from a young age, seeing everything as beautiful, without prejudice or judgment.

Yesterday, my dear sister commented, “If I hadn’t had the disease of loving to study and read since I was a child, I might have been a vegetable seller my whole life…”. I and countless others think so too. When I was in 11th grade, I loved sewing, my father told me that if I failed the university entrance exam, I should become a tailor. Surely we always say that to our children, I also told my children, look at me, if I didn’t study, I wouldn’t be like this now, but I have to work as a laborer…

Such words unintentionally affected the child’s ego. At first, he was afraid. Afraid that I was not beautiful, not good at studying, not obedient, not loved, not respected… so he tried hard.

The story is, if it grows up to be beautiful, smart, good, loved… it will nurture an arrogant ego (I am smart, beautiful, good…). What will happen to these children? Arrogance. Ah, that’s me, I am better than others. Secretly looking down on those who are worse than me (and fearing those who are better). But behind that is immense fear.

Fear that I might not be pretty/good/good enough…so even a bad grade, a pimple…would keep him awake at night. I saw too many kids stressed out over an A in math or a scar on their arm.

Another story is that at least 80% of children will not be good enough, beautiful enough, or obedient enough. This case is no less bad. They face constant criticism and are constantly evaluated. They will be afraid, indifferent, secretly rebel, and consider themselves inferior…

Everyone knows all of this. But everyone pretends not to know. After 7 years of consulting countless children/adults, I am sad to announce that deep psychological traumas from childhood and school years do not disappear when we grow up, but on the contrary, they affect the whole human life in all aspects: social relationships, career, joy of life, love, health, attitude towards nature and the environment...

Back to the story of why I don’t like my child to be good at studying. Because I see through her motivation to study. When she was little, her older sister was quite outstanding and when she went out, she was always haunted because people often compared her to her older sister and mother (this I really hate and always react strongly to). Even though her mother encouraged her, she still developed an inferiority complex that she was not as “beautiful and good” as her older sister/mother.

Then she discovered that her sister was not good at school, especially math, so she unconsciously started a race to become the best in the family in a certain field. So she threw herself into studying like crazy to be "good at everything", even though she didn't like studying those things at all. Then gradually her grades became her "brand", she was proud of herself for being good at studying/ playing sports well, being tall, beautiful, stylish...

I observed my daughter in her first year of high school. The signs of stress became clear and the signs of an inflated ego also appeared on my once innocent and lovely daughter. I clearly understood that behind all that glitter, there was an unforeseeable danger for her in the years to come, a psychological suffering that I never wanted her to face.

That's why I spent a lot of time talking to my child about the meaning of studying, about living in this world, about the preciousness of time, health, intelligence, emotions... I once planned to let my child take a year off from school to regain balance.

There is nothing wrong with being a good student, but be careful of the pitfalls behind being a good student.

Raising children is not a matter of a few years, but raising children, have a vision for a lifetime.

The Ego will be your great friend, if it is the real Ego, not the Ego that is fed with the rubbish of false beliefs.

Le Phuong Hoa