How to choose a kindergarten so that your child is not abused?

(Baonghean) - Doctor of Education Vu Thu Huong - Lecturer at Hanoi National University of Education and also one of Vietnam's leading experts on sex education answers the most common questions of parents.

Ask:You once said that sex education for children should start at the age of 3. So what about children under 3 years old, how can parents protect their children from sexual abuse? Because children under 3 years old are not aware enough to tell their parents?

Doctor of Education Vu Thu Huong, one of Vietnam's leading experts on sex education. Photo: Thuc Anh

Reply:It is true that children under 3 years old are not aware of abuse or unusual behavior to report to their parents. Parents need to be more proactive in preventing child abuse. How to prevent it? I advise parents to pay special attention to choosing a preschool for their children.

Preschool education in Vietnam still has many problems. However, formal education still has fewer problems than informal education. Parents should not believe too much in the colorful advertisements of private schools but should choose wisely. I have two pieces of advice.

The first, if you do not have the skills to choose a school, choose a public school. There, we do not have to worry too much about whether the teacher will abuse the child, because the preschool teachers are fully trained and have the skills to teach children without using a whip.

MondayIf you choose a private school, you should pay attention to the following points: Does the school have a license to establish? Do the teachers have degrees? Another type of document we can check is the food hygiene and safety license. Parents who send their children to school have the right to ask these questions. If there are problems, transfer to another school immediately.

Whether your child attends a public or private school, parents should always be wary of school security guards. The only time these people can approach your child is when class is over and the parents have not yet arrived to pick them up. I have seen many parents make their children wait until 6 or 7 pm to pick them up. This causes the child to be extremely traumatized and also puts them at risk of being approached and abused by bad people.

We even pick up our children to go back to work if they haven't finished their work yet, so as not to hurt them or put them at risk.

Sex education for children should be carried out from the age of 3, with methods and levels appropriate to each age. Photo: Thuc Anh

Ask:Many parents feel embarrassed to talk about sex with their children, especially when they start entering puberty. Do parents really need to tell their children or are they old enough to figure it out for themselves?

Reply:There is a big difference in sex education for children under and over 10 years old. Under 10 years old, children do not have the need to learn about sex. Over 10 years old, children have the need and can actively learn about sex. This is the time when parents need to accompany their children closely, answering their questions.

I see many parents are still subjective in sex education for children when they enter puberty. When my daughter was in middle school, I once went to pick her up from school and saw a boy carrying a girl on his back running across the school yard. That seemingly innocent collision can completely stimulate children and lead them further.

If you think I’m worrying too much, look at this number: 10% of Vietnamese children have sex by the sixth grade. In Ho Chi Minh City, 76% of children have sex before they turn 18. In Hanoi, the figure is 60%. If you don’t educate your children about sex, you could end up becoming grandparents before you know it.

So don't be shy or avoid when your child asks questions. Explain to them about the changes in the male and female body as they grow up, and how to accept those changes. Teach your child how to recognize bad temptations and bad friends.

Talk to your children about sex seriously and frankly from a scientific, psychological and legal perspective. I once taught secondary school students about sex. They were surprised to learn that if they have sex before the age of 16, the girl is the victim and the boy is the abuser, and can go to jail.

So the boys immediately shouted at the girls: “Sit far away or we will go to jail”. As for the girls, after hearing me talk about how getting pregnant before puberty will affect their health and their studies, they were scared and said to themselves: “I don’t want to get pregnant now, teacher”.

I often joke with parents that children are innocent and easily frightened, so “scaring” them a little can be surprisingly effective. But after “scaring”, you must also give the children a specific limit: Not now, but when you turn 18, you will be able to. Saying this is not to give the deer a path to run, but to make the children feel secure and no longer curious.

Parents and children attend the Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Workshop held in Vinh City, Nghe An. Photo: Thuc Anh

Ask:What advice do you have for parents to build a close relationship with their children, so that they can openly share with them without hiding anything?

Reply:Many parents ask me about this. I always affirm that children rarely answer questions from adults in a cooperative and open manner. Children under 6 years old do not have logical thinking, so it is difficult to answer questions accurately. They only answer based on their feelings. Older children feel that their parents' questions are more "investigative" than caring.

A common way children respond to questions is to add the word “a” to the last word of the question. Have you done your homework? No. Have you had your milk? Yes. In this way, they “refuse” to give us more information, or even give us wrong information.

The solution is to limit asking children “Yes/No” questions. Start the question by telling your story. For example: When I was in school, my teacher often let me cut flowers, and my teacher often praised me for cutting them beautifully. What did my child’s teacher often let me do? The child will answer: Your class also got to cut flowers. My child’s class also got to cut flowers.

This works for children of all ages. For young children, telling our stories provides a model for them to imitate. At the same time, they match their own stories to provide accurate information.

As for older children, parents sharing their stories first will help them feel more confident and comfortable talking to their parents. Once the habit is established, children will talk to their parents without even having to ask many questions.

Thuc Anh