Disabled Girl and Foreign Husband: Not a Fairy Tale

Van sat small in her wheelchair – her “special” wheelchair, and next to her was Neil. Both of their lips were always bright with smiles. The way they held hands, the way they looked at each other lovingly, patiently waited for each other, listened to each other until the last moments of the conversation was enough to show us their love.

When we had the intention of meeting Van and writing this conversation, we had another idea for this article. Surely their love story, which is very “hot” on the internet, will be exploited again. Why not, when everyone is in need of “sensational”, interesting stories with a happy ending like a fairy tale. We intended to call it “Love Story Hanoi” for example, based on the famous series of movies like “Love Story New York” “Love Story Paris…”. The story of a disabled Vietnamese girl, as small as a candy, crippled in a wheelchair, finding love with a handsome, intelligent, kind… and generally perfect foreign man beside her. However, the scenario of the “frog princess” and the “prince” as people used to compare has been completely changed. We realized that there is nothing more beautiful, more attractive, more inspiring than the most authentic thing that we have left intact, put on the front page of this newspaper for you…

Let Van's confidences ignite your hearts. We believe it will!

1.“I have never lacked confidence”

Can you believe that this was said by a girl who weighed only 15 kg, was paralyzed, and had been in a wheelchair all her life?

What was your first feeling when Van decided to be friends with Neil?

You know, we got to know each other through Facebook, through messages, likes, comments. Then later, when he flew here to visit me, and later lived with me, at first I just felt normal. Because I have many friends and they are all very good. They take care of me every little bit. Wherever they go, they want to invite me to go with them. They know that going with me is more difficult, there are a lot of extra things to do like carrying me, carrying a wheelchair... but they are all very happy and excited. So when I have another friend like Neil, I am not too surprised. It is no different from my usual life. I do not feel proud, touched or grateful for it.

If anything, it's just that he's a foreigner. And he's more approachable, willing to do the little things for me.

What about the feeling when Neil confessed his love and expressed his "want to take care of Van long term"?

I was also a bit surprised and touched. Personally, I think this is starting to get serious. I have never thought seriously about this relationship before, even though he has been here and living with me for quite a long time.

Van has not thought seriously or Van lacks confidence?

I have not thought about it seriously. But I have never been unconfident.

Why not be confident, when I am also having a normal and good life. I also had many lovers, before coming to Neil now, and those people all loved me, took care of me.

As for Neil, he is not an oddity. He is a good, kind man. He even evokes a little sympathy in me when I feel the loneliness in his life, in his endless, repetitive work. He divorced many years ago and for the past 15 years he has lived alone, without anyone. He sleeps in hotels for 3 weeks a month, moving constantly. I also used to think that wherever he goes, there will be girls there, or simply for fun. But in fact, when he finishes his work for a day, when he comes home to rest, he spends all his time with me, to chat, to talk and to let me see the room he lives in.

Before we met, our relationship was just casual friends. Even when Neil decided to visit me with just a random invitation "Does anyone want to have tea with me?" on Facebook, I still considered him a friend like many others who came and stayed in my shared room. The process was like this: Visiting, becoming friends, living together in the Center, returning to Australia to work, then coming back to live together for 3 months (at this time sleeping in the same bed), then Neil decided to propose to me. And only then did I realize: Ah, this is starting to be "serious". Because the previous process, even when living in the same bed, was just an experience for me. And I told him: Think carefully.

Also talking about confidence: When he returned to Vietnam from Australia, he asked me: I'm back, how are you? I replied: It's still normal, I still go to work, still have friends and still flirt with guys. And then he also said he wanted to come back twice a year with me, is that okay? I said: Let me think about it, if my room is empty at that time and no guy has come in, then maybe.

Confidence will make you comfortable, harmonious, light-hearted, brave and love life.

2. Inspire each other to live

Does Van know why Neil was "impressed" and decided to stick with Van?

When Neil met you and until now, Neil didn't know what you did for a living. Your Facebook page is full of pictures of you hanging out, shopping, eating with friends. I see that you often hang out and have many friends. I simply see you as an optimistic person. Someone with so many friends must be an interesting person.

What about Neil's family, what did they think when their son fell in love with Van, and decided to stay and live in Vietnam?

I don't know what's behind it? But I asked Neil and he said everyone was happy. I didn't believe it until he came back to Australia and let his whole family talk to me via webcam. His sisters said to me: Welcome to our family. They thanked me so much because I made Neil's life richer and happier. They said that I was the one who inspired their brother to live, and I thought: We inspire each other to live.

How is a day for Van and her husband? Do you ever get angry with each other?

We wake up at 9am. He helps me brush my teeth, wash my face, change my clothes, then we sit and drink tea like this if I am not busy with some meeting at the Center. Then we go home for lunch. Before my parents from Nghe An came to live with us, Neil cooked or we both ate out. After eating, we each did our own thing, 2 people, 2 computers, met friends... At 5pm he would bathe me, the 2 of us went for a walk and had dinner. Then we met friends. He can patiently wait for me from morning to night because he understands that my job requires meeting people, having to build many relationships to "feed" the Center. The Center for Will to Live currently has nearly 40 students, studying computers with me. Neil now also participates in 2 foreign language teaching sessions a week for the students at the Center.

Are we still angry? Yes, but I forgot the reason why I was angry with you that day. I was angry and went to get a haircut. Neil liked me to have long hair to be more feminine, but I cut it short. Neil likes women with black hair, but I like the seven colors of the rainbow. After getting my hair cut, I went out for a beer with my friends. It was a long time later, when it was dark outside, that I remembered that Neil was still at home. I called the girl who lived with me and asked: Has Neil eaten yet? She said: Since you left, he has been sitting alone in the room, not eating, not turning on the lights, not saying anything. I felt so sorry for him. I called to comfort him. Then he came down to pick me up, and we went for a walk...

3. Don't put expectations on others. And be realistic!

I’m afraid that asking this…, but Van is very straightforward and open, so I won’t hesitate, okay? What do you think about children? Surely Van also has the same desire as many other women when building a home with children?

I never expected that. I know there are many people who long to be mothers, but I am not one of them. Why? I have never thought about it before, and I have never considered it as my sadness or unhappiness. I know it is difficult for me to have children, but it is not impossible. All the female elements in me are still normal. Moreover, science is very developed today, we can have children if we want, right? But I see that too many people are sad and worried, because people always take it seriously. Maybe I am healthier than I need to be, so I should think more about it.

But I have to say this, I am a very realistic person. I don't expect anything that is not feasible, I don't waste time thinking too much. I have my sister's children, they are very cute. If you feel love and need children, then take care of them and cherish them. Right in my center, there are many children. And we here live together like a family. I used to have that feeling, as if I had thousands of children there, older children. And I work, take care of those children every day, full of love and care. They are disabled people, lacking in many things, especially lacking in life skills. I have become their older sister, mother, teacher... We talk and share very openly, including things like love, sexual relationships... for example.

Only self-confidence, independence, and life skills can help us stand firm in life. Attitude is very important. If you keep feeling depressed, upset, and negative, your life energy will decrease. And one key thing: don't put expectations on others. Because if you keep expecting them, when they can't meet your expectations, you will easily be disappointed and frustrated. Trying to be less dependent on others is what I always tell my "children".

So what do you think about the role of women - the wife in the family? When housework, shopping, cooking... are considered women's work?

I want to ask again: Who said that it is women's work? Actually, I know that it is an unwritten rule of Vietnamese people in particular, and Eastern people in general. People have set it up for a long time and it has become a rut in their thinking. But if it is not fair, if it does not bring happiness to someone, then it should be changed.

I have never thought that housework is a woman's job, nor that earning money is a man's duty. Women also need to go out and earn money, sharing the financial burden with men. Only then can we understand other people's feelings. Like Neil, when he gives me money, I often say: I go to work, I have money. When necessary, we will share. I don't want you to become the financial pillar. You shouldn't take on all the difficult work alone. That way, your life will become a burden.

In life, there are many people, mostly men, when they have to take on many things, they will feel important, powerful, they will demand that the other person must respond in this way or that, that is the root cause of inequality. Women often take on many "nameless" tasks and are not considered to be working. Many women receive money from their husbands, thinking: oh, that's my husband's money. That is the kind of dependent mentality. Meanwhile, when she does housework, she can also go out to earn money. And earn more than doing housework, maybe even more than her husband. And be independent.

I understand that very well, so in life I am always proactive in everything. In love I am also proactive, not demanding, not expecting. And I talk about everything frankly and clearly. Maybe that is why when loving me, men feel comfortable, relaxed, and not pressured. So, in a way, Neil's sisters were right when they said: Neil is grateful to me because I make him happy, make him escape from the cramped, lonely and sad life he has been living for so long, regaining the emotions he had lost before.

4. Focus on yourself, not on others. Love yourself before loving others.

Van made me understand that I need to love myself, see my own value and not wait for others to judge me?

Yes, focus on yourself, not on others. Love yourself before loving others.

Is that why Van didn't think about following Neil to Australia?

I love my current job. I feel valuable and meaningful when working in Vietnam, at the Center for Will to Live. In Australia, I probably wouldn't have had the same impact as I have now. So Neil had to make a choice. Neil's job was very good, he was an important person in the company, they were willing to increase his salary so he could return to Australia, but I forced him to make a choice. Here, he still works, but it will be difficult to be as effective as in Australia, for example, constantly moving with me will affect his work. Those are the things that made Neil think and consider. However, he made a decision. And when he stayed, he understood my job even more. Now, he also shares with me in his work. He spends 2 days a week volunteering to teach English at the Center.

It can be seen that Van has overcome many things to have this love and happy life. And the conversation has shown me that we should not embellish Van's and Neil's love. Because the truth is much more beautiful.

Yes. For me or Neil, love or marriage is very normal. Like yesterday, when I told Neil that tomorrow there would be female journalists coming to interview him, at first he didn't seem interested. He said: It's very normal for me to marry you, why make a fuss? I said: I think so too, but I agreed to meet you because I want people to think differently. It's not simply a story of a foreigner marrying a disabled person. I'm not a disabled person like everyone thinks, still loves. But I want to send that message to many other people, especially young people. That you should cherish yourself, cultivate knowledge and life skills. If you live independently, self-reliant, and confident, you will have everything, not just a foreign man (like me).

I think this way, in love, many people use too much reason. It's not about the standard of long legs, or financial reasons... They are surprised when there is someone different, going against those standards.

But not everyone is the same. It is not necessary to have such standards. They do not know that, having a lover is because they focus on their soul, feelings, happiness. As for Neil and I, happiness is very simple. Just like many people say why I can sit for hours in this corner, at this table. Simply because I sit here because I feel comfortable, feel the safest, the happiest. I gave up 5-star parties, expensive 5-star hotel vacations and don't spend money just to sit here, drink this cup of coffee, because this is where I feel the happiest, with the happiest person. Everyone, don't waste your time thinking too much, think more simply, life is beautiful when we are that simple!