Mother is always a challenge for daughter

My mother came from a noble family. She lost her mother at the age of 14, and from then on, she replaced my grandmother in managing the 50 servants in the house. Although my grandfather doted on her, the circumstances of losing her mother at an early age forged my mother into a strong woman.

I was the daughter my mother gave birth to during her twelfth pregnancy, and the youngest child. Being my mother’s daughter was hard! She never praised me. I was often criticized for being clumsy and stupid. Sometimes, when she got mad, she called me a “stupid” (meaning clumsy and ugly).

When I was 7 years old, I learned by heart my mother's principle of life "In this house, no place is allowed to be a dark corner, understand!" - and my life later on was exactly what my mother taught me "In the family, no place can become a dark, uncared-for corner!" in both the literal and figurative sense!

That was when I learned that a mobile film team was coming to the neighborhood, setting up a stage to show an East German film that I really liked, "Three Chestnuts for Cinderella," right at the neighborhood's soccer field. I really wanted to go see it, so from the afternoon I diligently went out to pick vegetables for the pigs and rabbits; washed clothes for the whole family; filled the well water jar so that when my mother came back from the market, she would have water to use; cooked rice and cleaned the house... When I was done, I was sure that today my mother would be pleased and let me go see a movie at the beach...

When my mother put down the basket, I asked her permission, "Mom, today please let me go to the movies outside!" Without saying a word, she pushed the long-handled broom under the bed, she even lay down to look under the bed... pulled out a pile of rubbish and I moved it there to hide it from her sight. So my mother flew into a rage, not only was I not allowed to go to the movies outside like the other children, but I also had to deal with the consequences of my lie. When the chatter of my friends going to the movies passed by the alley... I was still busy cleaning the house.

Later, for countless reasons, my mother rarely allowed me to go to the movies outside. "A daughter of a family cannot just hang around anywhere, it will ruin her life!" At that time, sometimes I was very upset, but I still obeyed my mother. My mother had authority because she was always an example of hard work to protect her children, to give them a full education, even though she had to work from 4am to 10pm every day. And after a hard day's work, after 10pm, every night, my mother would light an oil lamp to read a book. The book my mother read over and over again was "The Tale of Kieu" by Nguyen Du. My mother's favorite author was Vitor Hugor with "Les Miserables". My mother also gnawed on thick books by Leo Tolstoi... When she felt like it, my mother would read aloud expressively to me, and most of the time I fell asleep after she read 1 page.

Despite all the hard work, my mother never complained or asked us to skip school. It was frustrating to be scolded by my mother, but we loved her very much.

Before going to the US to study, my daughter spoke humorously when mentioning her grandmother's "pickiness": "It will be easy for you to choose a son-in-law in the future. Just let him stay with grandma for 7 days without being kicked out of the house, then it will be okay, mom!" Later, every time my daughter achieved results in a difficult project, I often "praised" her for her attitude of overcoming herself, overcoming herself to achieve the set goals... At those times, my daughter would respond very humorously without hiding her pride: "The thing is, I'm F2 but I received my grandmother's dominant genes!" (She meant to emphasize her decisive qualities, clear goals and not sentimental... like her mother)

So, my mother is always the one who creates pressure and strict demands on her daughter. From eating habits, sleeping habits, housework, sewing, cooking, gardening... my mother demands perfection and details. At every level of my education, I was praised by my teachers, respected by my teachers and loved by my friends (now I don't understand why I was like that), but my mother often quietly and suddenly came to school one fine day to remind her that at home she was lazy and often woke up late. If she didn't wake up at 4:30 in the morning to study and cook rice for the whole family to have breakfast before going to work or school, that means she was very lazy!

Sitting at the dinner table, my mother reminded me of every movement of holding chopsticks and bowls to be elegant and polite. Holding chopsticks and a spoon to scoop soup at the same time... then, both my father and mother would glare at me, making me feel terribly embarrassed: "You eat and drink as rudely as rowing a boat in the lagoon, one hand rowing and the other hand floating!". I had to eat and drink leisurely, I couldn't chew and talk at the same time, making the other person see my mouth full of food, it was very ugly. I couldn't chew food and make a slurping sound, I couldn't chew food with my lips open, my lips had to be closed when chewing food, otherwise my mother and father would scold me, "If you're so rude, who will take me in the future?" I couldn't slurp soup or noodles loudly, I couldn't knock my chopsticks or spoon impolitely....

When walking, do not drag your slippers around or stomp your feet rudely. When visiting someone's house, definitely do not sit on the bed. Do not linger while their family prepares a meal. Be polite and say goodbye before leaving...

When you speak, you must not joke or laugh at the same time... If you speak loudly, you will be criticized as "rude", and if you speak softly, you will be scolded as "Speaking softly like a dog eating flour!". My mother said, for girls, the word "thanh" comes before the word "sac", meaning that a girl's words and tone of voice are more important than her beauty!

As an unwritten rule, no matter how poor she was, my mother always wore white shirts and so did we. Even if the shirt was patched, it was still a white shirt. My mother said, white shirts reveal the lazy person who doesn’t bathe or wash clothes!

Oh my gosh, being a mother's daughter is really difficult, because there are so many "don'ts" that my mother sets out, too many to count. Then I grew up, gradually "escaping" from my mother's strict discipline.

Then I stepped into life, reaped successes one by one, and faced inevitable events that life brought. But I went through it, matured and was happy steadily. I also became a mother and had a daughter. My daughter is now grown up and mature. Now my daughter and I are like best friends, sometimes, joking with her, I confided, "When I was little, my grandmother often forbade me from going to the movies, I was very upset. I have a secret to share with you, that sometimes I mumbled like this, "Mom, I hate you so much!"

Hearing me tell the story, my daughter's eyes lit up and she burst out laughing: "Haha, every child has at some point called their mother "I", it's just awkward. Don't feel guilty anymore, if grandma finds out, it'll be funny!"

So I understand, there were times when I was so strict with my children that my daughter hated me and called me "tao". Children are not always satisfied with the training and discipline of their parents... Those memories are like pebbles of childhood, then you carry them into your life in a heavy bag called "memories", you walk and in the journey of coping with society and incidents that happen, those pebbles have turned into precious diamonds at some point. That is why parents are always stricter with their children than society, because parents have enough experience to let their children understand that out there are always hidden unpredictable changes and difficulties that will knock on the door at any time. Therefore, parents want their children to have the ability to stand above fate and master incidents that happen. When society needs to educate you, it will be very rational, not emotional.

I write this because I have noticed that recently, many "famous" mothers are tending to divide generations with stories of memories to blame their parents for not loving their children in the way... that you expect. You cite that "incorrect" love of your parents as the reason why you encounter obstacles and failures in your current life, even emphasizing that "the place that makes children suffer and leads to suicidal thoughts is the family!". I observe, and I am very worried.

I do not completely agree with my mother's rather strict way of disciplining her daughter, but I do not resent her, I understand the root and the reason for her actions and I am grateful to her for teaching me to be strong-willed and steadfast in my life. She taught me to love, to sacrifice, to work hard and be creative and to live with self-respect! She taught me by the way she lived!

The psychology of blaming is very sophisticated, and there is nothing easier than blaming your parents for your failures or difficulties, because simply, parents never retaliate against their children when they are judged and blamed, even though they feel pain in their hearts. Society is different, all your blaming will definitely have to pay the price.

I remember a very poignant saying of billionaire Bill Gates that "Your parents are not at fault for your failures! Wake up."

For me, the greatest failure in life is to walk through life with a gloomy, bitter mind... because in my heart there is a lack of warm, genuine gratitude and wisdom. If so, it means that I am just growing old with the years, without any maturity, I am ignorant and unwise! What suffering is greater than losing the deep gratitude towards my parents and family, even though they are never perfect!