Peaceful place!

(Baonghean) - Mom once told me that being born as a girl is very hard. When I heard my birth, hearing the young nurse's trembling voice saying: "It's a girl, sister", Mom was extremely happy but at the same time felt extremely sorry. My grandmother had a hard life. Mom said people say "beauty has a tragic fate", that was true for her. Wandering all her life in foreign lands, she finally returned to dust when her last wish of visiting her hometown was not yet fulfilled. In turn, Mom did not hope too much for happiness, but she more or less had it when she gave birth to me. Mom said: "I give everything to you, sacrificed my whole life for you. My only wish is for you to be happy".

So here I am, returning to you after half a lifetime of searching for happiness. I am broken, mother, like that glass vase that once sparkled under the rays of the sun, holding a small flower with pride, now shattered and cutting itself with sharp, shapeless pieces. I am exhausted, mother, like a lone traveler on a long road, endlessly chasing after a colorful butterfly in front of me and always thinking I would hold it in my arms, but it turns out it does not really exist in this world. I hoped for too much, was too unrealistic. Is it my fault, or is it because this life is full of uncertainties?

I used to think that I would silently endure it alone, pretending to my mother that I was happy. But then I asked myself, would that lie be meaningless to my life and more painful for my mother's life? And isn't it right that finding each other to love and share is the comfort of human life? And in this world, there is no place warmer, safer and more peaceful than my mother.

Like a wounded animal, I returned to my mother’s house, no, to our mother’s house, and to my father’s house too. The days when I was learning to speak, the days when my mother held my hand to learn to walk, the days when my father let me ride on his back like a horse… The three of us had a whole castle. In my immature mind as a child, that castle was filled with laughter and love. Now, I return to it, to my mother, no longer as innocent and joyful as before, but with tearful eyes, trembling shoulders, and a broken heart. But I return with complete love.

I used to not believe that women suffer more than men, I didn’t believe in things like “beauty is short-lived”, but I believe that women have sensitive, vulnerable hearts, I believe that they find happiness in voluntarily suffering and sacrificing. I too, endured, tried hard, and gave in to have a peaceful home, thinking that from there flowers would bloom, birds would sing, and in return for the painful days would be a future of fragrant flowers and sweet fruits. But everything has a limit. And then one day, looking at myself in the mirror with dark eyes from lack of sleep, I understood that that was my limit. I burst into tears and almost unconsciously, I called out: “Mom!”.

Mom held me in her arms like when I was a baby. I felt like I was immersed in a cool river. It’s all over now, right Mom? Just think of it as a dream. I felt like I was born again, wrapped, protected, and reaching out for your love.

Mom, please help me walk again!

Quynh An