'Be with your child more and understand him properly'

For children, family, school and society play an important role in the development and formation of their personality. Photo: Duc Anh

On the occasion of International Children's Day June 1, Nghe An Newspaper had a conversation with Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan - a psychotherapist and human training expert who has participated in teaching psychology in schools.

Create a favorable environment for children to adapt to any living environment.

PV:International Children's Day is approaching on June 1st, but each passing day we still have to hear many sad stories related to children and there are many heartbreaking and tragic events such as the story of a little girl drowning in Vinh city. What do you think when you hear these stories?

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan:We often say "give children the best" but in reality, not always, not everywhere children are cared for, looked after and protected.

And to build a safe environment for children, there must be coordination between units, levels of industry, from family to school, community and the whole society to join hands to care for and protect children, reduce the situation of children falling into special circumstances, children being abused, exploited...

For example, in the family, adults only think that children only need to be protected and kept safe. However, just being scolded makes children feel unsafe even at home. Or, in many families, parents give birth to children but do not have the knowledge to care for and raise children properly. The lack of skills and understanding has contributed to unfortunate incidents with children.

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan at a skills training session for students. Photo: NVCC

PV:Speaking of child safety, recently during the hot days on the internet forum, there have been two debates. One opinion is that if children study all day at school, it will be hot and tiring. But another opinion is that children should be allowed to experience. In your opinion, why are there these two opinions and which one do you agree with?

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan:Both of these views, in my opinion, are right and wrong because each person has their own point of view and in life, having many different points of view is normal. However, personally, I think that young people should experience it. Maybe, a tree grown in a glass cage is beautiful but its vitality and endurance will not be good. A tree grown in the sun and rain will be more certain. Nowadays, the weather is getting more and more harsh and we have to train our children to get used to and adapt to all living conditions.

PV:According to her analysis, are there any differences between urban children and rural children? And do different living environments affect children's later development?

Mentally, children growing up in rural areas have more freedom. This also makes their development and creativity in these areas much better. Photo: Duc Anh

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan:Obviously, compared to the favorable areas, children born in rural areas, in difficult families, they do not receive regular attention. Because their parents still have to worry about making a living, have to go out to earn a living. The lack of attention sometimes leads to unfortunate events. However, in terms of spirit, children growing up in rural areas have more freedom. That also makes the development and creativity of children in these areas much better.

In contrast, urban children are very well taken care of by their parents, so their physical safety is very good. They are also cared for mentally. However, because they are taken care of too much, they do not have mental freedom. Therefore, there are many very talented young people, born into families with good backgrounds, but in the end, their creativity and thinking ability are limited.

Being a parent also requires art.

PV:For a child to develop normally, the method of parenting is very important. However, nowadays, many parents still believe that being a father or mother is an instinct and “God created elephants, God created grass”. This seems to be very different from your philosophy when you were in charge of a parenting art club?

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan:In reality, many parents today care a lot and create good conditions for their children. However, their methods may not be correct and they spend a lot of time, effort and money on their children but the results are not as expected. Through parenting courses, I still tell many parents that we do not need to work too hard. If we raise children with the right method, raising children will be very easy and both parents will be happy. Moreover, before becoming parents, we still advise everyone to learn about their children and the body's working mechanism. Because people, like machines, have their own operating mechanisms and instructions for use. And if we clearly understand the interests, personalities and habits of children, we will operate smoothly.

Over the years working in this field, many parents have come to me and I see that the biggest problem is that parents have not learned how to raise their children. Or many parents still apply a simple method, which is that what their grandparents taught them, they bring it to teach their children. Of course, this also has some right things because grandparents are experienced people. However, besides that, there are many differences because the two situations are far apart and in the current conditions, it will no longer be suitable. Of course, children will react to things that are not right. It is as simple as using the Internet, phones, and TV. We do not encourage the use of phones too much, but now technology is developing and if used correctly, children can still learn a lot online. However, many parents, when they see their children need phones, think it is useless, play games and show a reaction. But the more they react, the more conflict the young people have.

Photo: Duc Anh

So, to avoid this situation, we should put ourselves in the role of our children. When our children use the phone and the Internet, we must find out what they use it for and how they use it. And to be effective, parents must also be role models because parents cannot hold the phone but forbid their children to use it. Let's spend time playing with our children.

PV:I understand that you have two daughters and that your family has had a rather different way of raising them since they were young. Can you share more about your family’s experience?

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan:Compared to many other families, the way we behave in our family is indeed different. In my family, there is no distinction between children and adults and all four family members have the same rights, the right to speak and express their opinions. If necessary, we can organize a "meeting" to get opinions and we will all agree if the opinion is reasonable. I remember when my child was in grade 1 and I, like other mothers, tried to get my child into the "highest class" of the school. However, in the morning when I transferred my child to the class "which is better according to me", in the afternoon my child came back and said "I have transferred back to the old class and you should not transfer me to the class"... I know that, if this situation happened, many mothers would still insist on sending their children to the class they had decided on in advance because requesting a class is not easy. But I care about my child's feelings and I am sure he is not happy in the new class and I agree with his decision.

That said, it does not mean that we can let the children decide on any issue. Therefore, each family needs to have a rule similar to the rules in the units and every family needs discipline. In the process of implementation, parents must be the first to strictly implement the rules.

PV:For many different reasons, many parents have long imposed their wishes on their children, especially in studying, choosing schools, choosing classes, choosing careers. Does this lead to a generation of passive children?

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan:In my opinion, it is not necessarily true that parental guidance is very good because the experiences that parents have gone through are valuable lessons that need to be learned and referenced. However, when guiding their children, parents need to consider whether it is suitable for their children's abilities and whether their children like it or not. If it is not their choice, then they should not force it.

From my own experience, I think that giving good direction to children is not difficult because parents are the ones who have lived with their children from childhood to adulthood and unconsciously influence their children's way of life and way of thinking. Importantly, before doing so, parents need to learn about their children's strengths and must be able to convey their motivation and love for the job they are orienting. Even in studying, we should not force but encourage children. We must do something to make children see what they are studying for and from there find passion in studying and see studying as a hobby.

PV:So, after many years working in children's education, what is your biggest concern and how can children develop comprehensively?

Teacher Nguyen Phuong Lan and her students. Photo: NVCC

Ms. Nguyen Phuong Lan:In fact, children today are very developed intellectually. What we need to worry about is the way adults educate them. It seems that we are currently wrapping children in fear with reminders that "you can't do it", "you shouldn't do it". That invisibly closes all of the child's abilities and hinders their development.

If you are a parent, your greatest wish is to spend more time with your child and understand him/her properly. In addition, you should not let your wrong methods stifle your child's talent, unintentionally making your child fall into fear, lack of confidence and not dare to express his/her own opinion.

Both schools and society should not see children as children. Instead, we should see them as members of society and treat them with respect and sharing. We also need to behave positively and motivate them to have confidence and develop in the best way.

PV:Thank you for this conversation!