Sharing - sometimes just need to be silent

Once, I went to the funeral of a young man who had died young. He was only 29 years old, and had been married for less than a year. On Christmas Day, he went to a friend's house to celebrate the holiday when he unfortunately had an accident. He and his wife were expecting a child to continue the family line. Last year they happily went to the wedding, but this year they were shocked to attend the funeral. Just thinking about that funeral was enough to make people feel sad. Many people came, held the young wife's hand, hugged the old father's thin shoulder, looked at the portrait, burned incense, then went to a quiet corner to sit and sob with sympathy, not wanting to say anything, not knowing what to say.

But not everyone was like that. Behind me, a few young girls, friends of the young wife, were still coming in and out, cracking sunflower seeds, chatting: “When did Mr. Q. get hit?... It was all on the highway, how did your family know?... Oh my god, if a container ran over him, he would no longer be human... He would have starved to death, he wouldn't have even gone to his friend's house...”.

The wife, not knowing whether her nerves had turned to stone at that moment, was still able to clearly and calmly answer each question. Even the questions that did not fit into any level of communication consciousness when she curiously asked about her husband's condition at the time of the accident.

Some of the older people felt hot and wanted to get angry, but everyone held back because they didn’t want to say harsh words that might alarm the person who had just passed away and those who were left behind. My sister said: “The little wife is too young…” The wife and her friends were in their early twenties. Just a few steps away, the old father was sitting absent-mindedly. He couldn’t shed any more tears. His tears had dried up. Yesterday afternoon, when he heard that his son had an accident, he wanted to see him one last time. No one dared to come because the scene was too heartbreaking. That heartbreaking scene was now brought up for innocent conversation at the funeral, because the 9X girls were still very young.

Many funerals also face similar situations. Not only funerals of those who died young, and the thoughtless sharing is not only from young people. Sharing makes people not know how to respond. And asking those curious people to leave or staying silent is embarrassing, because in Vietnamese culture, no matter what, filial piety is filial piety to the end, coming together in times of mourning is a precious thing.

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This morning's "sharing" made my friend want to go crazy. She said, when she was a "waiting husband stone", she stayed home to raise her young children while her husband went to school in the US. When she gave birth to her second child, her husband was busy studying and could not come back, so close friends and colleagues often jumped in to share. There were shares that I don't know which category to put: "So pitiful! Why didn't my husband come home after giving birth? If I met you, I would die of sadness!" "You are so strong. If it were me, I wouldn't let my husband go anywhere. Because wherever we go, we have to be together....!" "How do you manage, with a small salary, and your husband is studying?" You honestly told me that besides your professional work, you also take time to learn how to make cakes, make sweet soup, cook beef jerky, chicken jerky... all kinds of online sales, both for fun and to earn extra income to raise your children. Then I heard you click your tongue: "I admire you so much. My family has to spend thirty million a month. My husband takes care of everything, I don't have to work as hard as you!"

Your friend unfortunately fell into a family dispute, someone in the name of a friend jumped in to care: "So what about your children? Is anyone providing for them?" You said that you and your children were fine, the family had arranged things so as not to affect the children, but your friend was sad: "My friend got divorced, at first her husband provided for her, then when he got married he didn't give her a penny. I'm so worried about her!"...

My friend is a girl with a strong personality, not easily swayed, concerned with what people say (even though it is disguised as concern), this morning she still had to say something sour on her FB: "My life, I live it".

This life needs so many sharings, but in fact, there are some sharings whose value is far less than silence. In the face of such worthless sharings – which can even drag others down a steep slope, it is better to just ignore them.

I love the rest in the staff. It is the pause that allows the sound that follows to become richer and more passionate. Sometimes the rest can move the listener to tears.

And in this flow of life, there is still a need for more than just silence. When coming together, sometimes just looking deeply into your eyes, saying to your friend, are you okay? And giving a slight smile to let them know that is all I am waiting for. If you want to share something, I will listen, if you want to ask something, I will say. If you are observant, you may even realize that many questions in this life actually do not need answers, but just need someone to sit and listen to you ask. That's all. And sometimes you don't need to hear anyone ask anyone, just a hug when your friend is wavering in this life is enough to warm them up.

I remember Trinh, when he wrote: “In music there are pauses, that is, rests without sound, if there are no pauses it is a disaster. Music without silent spaces is just disorder”. “There are the presence of friends that are equivalent to a pause in music, so that presence often has the ability to bring us comfort, relaxation, as if it were joy. Those are the cases where we do not need to deal with, do not need to fill the gap with forced and bland stories.” In many cases, just silence – the silence, sometimes is the most valuable sound of all sounds, that is a philosophy that many people know but not everyone understands when curiosity still reigns.