Memories of the Vietnam War from an American Veteran

Bill at Khe Sanh battlefield. Photo: NVCC

Bill arrived in Vietnam in 1969. For Bill, a 19-year-old corporal, this war was so strange and confusing! Three weeks had passed since Bill arrived in Vietnam. One night, while he was sleeping soundly, Bill was awakened by a loud explosion. All around him were the sounds of grenades and AK guns. Bill's unit was under attack! The Vietnamese soldiers had broken into the barracks and occupied the battlefield. Everyone was screaming. Bill frantically jumped into the trench and started shooting randomly into the darkness.

“I cannot forget that terrible night. It was after midnight on May 10, 1969. The battle lasted for more than an hour. My unit had about 150 people, while the Viet Cong had only about 30 people. They attacked suddenly and then retreated very quickly. We had 6 dead and 15 wounded. It was the first time I saw dead people in the war and I realized that this was a real war, not a joke.”

That hour changed Bill completely. It forced him to be wiser, more alert, more cautious, things that only come from being truly scared, from facing life and death.

And, like many of his comrades, Bill hoped the war would end soon, at least to quickly reach the day when Bill’s time in Vietnam would end and he could return to America. Little did the young soldier know that after returning to America, the memories of Vietnam would still linger, still clinging to those who had fought in this country.

Haunting after the war

“When I returned to America, anti-Vietnam War protests were taking place in my country,” Bill said. “I never hid that I had fought in Vietnam. I also took to the streets to protest, calling for an end to the war. If people around me knew, they would ask harshly: What was right about this war? Why did you join that war? I myself asked myself those questions.”

Bill at Da Nang beach in 1969. Photo: NVCC

Like many veterans, Bill could not find an answer. “For a long time, I tried not to think about the war in Vietnam, tried to put it aside to live on,” Bill continued his story. “I gradually got back to normal life. I had a job, a wife, three children, and the war was a thing of the past. Everything was fine. Then one night while sleeping, I suddenly woke up. A feeling of fear overwhelmed me. I sat huddled and shivered. I did not dream about anything specific, I only knew that I was extremely scared. And I began to be haunted by a new question: Why did the memory of war stay with me like that? Why could I not forget it?”

Such dreams became more and more frequent. Sometimes Bill dreamed of quite specific events, dreams that took him back to the hills of Khe Sanh, with the acrid air of gunpowder, flashes of fire revealing a few silhouettes appearing and disappearing, the terrifying screams of the wounded...

Bill thought a lot, struggled a lot. Then he realized that he could not run away forever, but needed to face his problem. And Bill came to a decision, which led to a turning point for the rest of Bill's life.

Bill returned to Vietnam for the first time in 1994. With an indescribable feeling of excitement, curiosity, and fear. “I decided to return to Vietnam when I realized that Vietnam was really a problem for me. Instead of trying to forget, I had to return, had to face my problem. I also wanted to know what this country was like, what the people were like here” - Bill continued the story - “Right from the first time I returned to Vietnam, I realized that Vietnamese people were approachable, your women were very beautiful, even though your country was still very poor at that time and not as developed as it is today”.

During his days in Hanoi, Bill's fear of encountering people who hated him had decreased a lot. From Hanoi, Bill went to Da Nang, then Ho Chi Minh City. Then from Ho Chi Minh City, Bill went back to Da Nang, and of course, back to Khe Sanh and the old battlefield.

The land associated with the brutal war of the past is still uninhabited. There are still many traces of war scattered here and there. The ground is littered with bullet shells. Some military equipment is rusted. Traces of trenches are still intact. But there are absolutely no flashes, smoke, or screams. Bill said: “I looked at everything and tried to remember each of my comrades’ faces, and searched for every memory of this place. Everything felt like a dream. Then for the first time I walked on the trail, the place we always tried to avoid in the past for fear of ambush. Now I walk without fear of anyone aiming at me, and I don’t have to aim at anyone.”

American veterans want to make amends to Vietnam

Returning to the US after that trip, Bill recounted what he had heard and seen to many American veterans who had fought in Vietnam. They were also facing the same problems as he had. “I told them, you should return to Vietnam,” Bill said. “I affirmed that, with my experience, I knew that they could only truly solve their problems by returning to that country, instead of asking themselves questions without answers.”

In 1995, Bill returned to Vietnam for the second time, with 5 other American veterans. With the results achieved after that trip, Bill realized a new job was available to him: Organizing tours to Vietnam, mainly serving veterans who had fought here. To many Americans at that time, Bill was an expert in visa services, food, accommodation, and travel in Vietnam.

“Up to now, I have organized about 300 American veterans who fought in Vietnam to return to this land. The biggest trip I organized was for 15 people, but then I realized that it would be easier to find consensus and make arrangements,” Bill said. Bill also affirmed that all veterans after coming to Vietnam are very “happy”. In recent years, the tourist groups he organized have started to include the children of veterans. Their fathers are too old, or have died. These young people want to understand more about what their fathers went through, about the Vietnam War, which they are also very curious to know.

And without knowing when, Bill felt attached to Vietnam. Every time he returned to the US, Bill would feel a strong nostalgia for the roads in Vietnam that he had traveled, the green color of the Truong Son mountains, the friendly smiles of Vietnamese boys and girls...

Strange love affair with a Vietnamese girl

Bill's decision to stay in Vietnam had a lot to do with the Vietnamese tour guide who had worked with him for many years. While organizing tours to Vietnam, Bill hired tour guides through a travel agency. And Bill found a charming Vietnamese girl named An.

Bill and An couple. Photo: NVCC

That trip, Bill's wife also went to Vietnam. An was quite picky, especially when it came to punctuality. If one person in the group was late, An would immediately remind them. Sleeping, eating, and getting on the bus, everything had to be on time for An. After the trip, Bill was a bit fed up with An and wanted to find someone else. Bill's wife advised: An is the one you need. You have to keep her for a long-term job. She was a bit picky but very thoughtful, from booking rooms, renting cars, to preparing necessary items for the trip, she did everything very well. Listening to his wife, Bill kept An.

Then something sad happened, Bill’s wife got a serious illness and died. After his wife passed away, Bill went to Vietnam and met An, asking her to help him find a house and a job. He stayed in Da Nang, taught English to children, and continued to organize tours from the US to Vietnam. An continued to work with Bill, and then love blossomed between the American veteran and the Vietnamese girl…

When I asked him if he would stay in Vietnam for a long time, Bill immediately said, “This is my home.” (A colleague suggested including Bill’s answer in English in the article.) Bill confided: “Before, whenever I heard someone mention the two words Vietnam, I immediately saw the smoke and fire of war. But now, when I hear someone mention Vietnam, all I see is the sunny Da Nang beach, my house, and my wife An’s face.”

In the story, Bill commented that it seemed that many Vietnamese people had forgotten the devastating war of the past, then explained: "Is it because they believed they were fighting to protect their homeland, so they feel at peace, not tormented by memories of war?"

According to Infonet