Forgiveness and tolerance

I was once angry with a friend, very angry. We had been close friends for 9 years, since high school. Two girls who are close, you know, stick together about everything in the world, no secrets at all. Actually, from childhood to adulthood, I was not destined for close friendships, so when I had this friendship, I cherished it very much. I used to imagine that we would grow up together, grow old together, our children would continue to be close friends, our husbands would be familiar drinking buddies... something like that. Youth often dreams and thinks a lot, but when a relationship collapses, those dreams are the sharpest knife cutting into your heart.

The day I found out you were thinking and saying horrible, unreasonable things about me to a few other groups of mutual friends, I was really shocked. The gifts I gave you became a joke to everyone. The trips that we used to whisper and plan became a mere passing comment. The private secrets that were only told to you, now became a joke to everyone. I don't know how to describe my sadness at that time, I only know that I was very sad, sad and painful as if a sharp needle was stuck deep into my heart, twisting my intestines. When we put our feelings and trust completely into someone, whether it's love, friendship or family, we have entrusted a part of our body and mind there. And losing that body and mind, how painful!

It's been almost ten years since then, I haven't contacted you, nor have I explained to you questions like: Why haven't you been together lately? Why did you suddenly stop hanging out?... In the class and semester parties, I still attended but didn't intentionally look for you, and it must have been fate because we never met. One day, a friend asked me: Hey, do you still remember T.? I said yes. - T. is very rich now, has two children, one boy and one girl, and I heard she's about to settle down abroad.

I thought about it all the way home. I asked myself how I felt knowing that someone so dear to me had betrayed me and was now living so well. My inner answer was that I was truly happy for him, and that his wealth and happiness did not make me jealous, but on the contrary, it freed me from the cruel fantasies of his poor life.

Ah, so that's how it is, we mortals cannot avoid conflicts, hatred, prejudice, and resentment. Sometimes we think we are very tolerant, we ignore it, let it go and live, but frankly speaking, deep down in our hearts, we still hold a heavy bomb of anger, nurture that bomb with evil thoughts, and shade the bomb with so much black soot of anger. We just hide it, hide it so much that even we ourselves sometimes forget (or don't dare to look directly at) it, showing the world our beauty, nobility, and forgiveness.

But I have come to understand that the most beautiful, noble, and altruistic thing in this world is not to treat others, but to treat yourself. When you can let go and forgive your own anger, you have simultaneously reached a higher level of forgiveness for others. Forgiveness and tolerance sound polite and theoretical, but only those who have truly experienced the ultimate sadness and suffering from torment, blame, and anger can understand how relieved it is to be tolerant of yourself!