Forgiveness and tolerance

I was angry with a friend, very angry. We had been close friends for 9 years, since high school. You know what it means when two girls are close, they are inseparable about everything in the world, there are no secrets. In fact, from childhood to adulthood, I was not destined for close friendships, so when I had this friendship, I cherished it very much. I used to imagine that we would grow up together, grow old together, our children would continue to be close friends, our husbands would be regular drinking buddies... something like that. Youth is often dreamy and has many random thoughts, but when a relationship collapses, those dreams are the sharpest knife stabbing into your heart.

The day I found out you thought and said horrible, unreasonable things about me to some other groups of mutual friends, I was really shocked. The gifts I gave you became a joke to everyone. The trips that we used to whisper and plan became lip service. The private secrets that we only told you, now became a joke to everyone. I don't know how to describe my sadness at that time, I only know that I was very sad, very sad and painful as if a sharp needle was stuck deep into my heart, twisting my intestines. When we put our feelings and complete trust in someone, whether it's love, friendship or family, we have entrusted a part of our body and mind there. And losing our body and mind, how painful!

It's been almost ten years since then, I haven't contacted you, nor have I explained to you questions like: Why haven't you been together lately? Why did you suddenly stop hanging out?... I still attended the class and course parties, but I didn't intentionally look for you, and it must have been fate because we never met. One day, a friend asked me: Hey, do you remember T.? I said yes. - T. is very rich now, has 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl, I heard she's going to settle down abroad.

I thought about it all the way home. I asked myself how I felt knowing that someone so dear to me had betrayed me and was now living so well. The answer from within was that I was truly happy for him, and that his wealth and happiness did not make me jealous, but on the contrary, it freed me from the cruel fantasies of his poor life.

Ah, so that's how it is, we mortals cannot avoid conflicts, hatred, prejudice, and resentment. Sometimes we think we are very tolerant, we ignore it, let it go and live, but frankly speaking, deep down inside, we still hold a heavy bomb of anger, nurture that bomb with evil thoughts, and shade the bomb with so much black soot of anger. It's just that we hide it, hide it so much that even we ourselves sometimes forget (or don't dare to look directly at) it, showing the world our beauty, nobility, and altruism.

But I have come to understand that the most beautiful, noble, and altruistic things in this world are not for treating others, but for treating yourself. When you can let go and forgive your own anger, you have simultaneously reached a higher level of forgiveness for others. Forgiveness and tolerance sound polite and theoretical, but only those who have truly experienced the ultimate sadness and suffering from torment, blame, and anger can understand how relieved it is to be tolerant of yourself!