Forgiveness and tolerance

I was once very angry with a friend. We had been close for nine years, since high school. You know how close two girls are? We'd be inseparable, sharing everything under the sun, with no secrets between us. Honestly, I've never had many close friendships, so when I found this one, I cherished it immensely. I imagined we'd grow up together, grow old together, our children would remain best friends, our husbands would be our regular drinking buddies… something like that. Young people often dream and overthink, but when a relationship crumbles, those very dreams become the sharpest knives piercing your heart.

The day I found out you were thinking and saying such awful, irrational things about me to some of our mutual friends, I was truly shocked. The gifts I gave you became a joke. The trips we used to plan together became mere empty talk. Private secrets I only shared with you became the subject of everyone's amusement. I don't know how to describe my sadness at that moment, I only know that I was incredibly sad, sad and in pain as if a sharp needle had pierced deep into my heart, twisting my insides. When we place our complete affection and trust in someone, whether it's love, friendship, or family, we've entrusted a part of ourselves to them. And losing that part of ourselves, how painful it is!

Almost ten years have passed since then, and I haven't contacted you again, nor have I tried to explain or respond to questions like: "Why don't we see you guys hanging out anymore? Why did you suddenly stop being friends?" I still attend class and year group gatherings, but I don't intentionally try to find you, and I guess we were destined to be unlucky, because we never met anyway. One day, a friend asked me: "Hey, do you remember T.?" I said yes. - "T. is very rich now, she has two children, a boy and a girl, and I heard she's about to emigrate abroad."

I thought about it all the way home. I wondered how I felt knowing that someone so close to me, who had betrayed me, was now living so well. The answer from within was that I was actually happy for them, and their wealth and happiness didn't make me envious; on the contrary, it freed me from the cruel fantasies of their impoverished life.

Ah, so that's it. We ordinary people can't avoid conflicts, hatred, prejudices, and resentment. Sometimes we think we're so forgiving, that we ignore it, that we just move on with our lives, but frankly, deep down, we still carry a bomb of anger, nurturing it with evil thoughts, painting it with the dark soot of resentment. We just hide it, concealing it so well that even we sometimes forget (or don't dare look directly) at it, presenting ourselves to the world as beautiful, noble, and selfless.

But I've come to understand that the most beautiful, noble, and selfless act in this world isn't about treating others, but about treating oneself. When you let go of and forgive your own anger and resentment, you simultaneously achieve a higher level of forgiveness for others. Forgiveness and tolerance sound formal and theoretical, but only those who have truly experienced the deepest sorrow and suffering from the torment, blame, and anger of the heart can understand how incredibly liberating it feels to be tolerant of oneself!