Wife abuses husband: Why?

There are many causes, but according to the assessment of psychological experts and the latest surveys of sociologists, all cases of violence by wives against husbands have their roots in the abuse of men.

Shocking incidents

Public opinion has recently been shocked by the brutal murders of husbands in the provinces of Thai Nguyen and Binh Duong... The common point is that after being arrested, the perpetrators reported that the victim had intended to "attack" them first, and in the struggle, accidentally killed the victim; or because of the pent-up resentment from previous abuse by their husbands, "the last straw" happened, when they could not control their actions, they killed the man who had been "close to them" for so many years.

Defendant Lo Thi Dong (Nghia Lac commune, Nghia Dan district) was sentenced to 60 months in prison for intentionally causing injury to her husband. Photo: Internet

In Nghe An, in September 2016, Mong Me Phia in Bao Thang commune (Ky Son) used a pestle to beat her husband to death, then tried to create a fake crime scene to deceive the authorities. This was also a murder case that shocked the poor mountainous community in Ky Son in particular and the community in general, because before that, Phia was a gentle woman who always endured unreasonable beatings from her husband.

In his report to the authorities, Phia said: “He never left me alone. If he didn’t beat me, he would try to mentally and sexually abuse me... Before beating him to death, he chased me with an axe and threatened to kill me. After escaping the axe from his hand, I was so angry that I couldn’t control my actions, leading to beating someone to death...”.

In her testimony in court, defendant Lo Thi Dong said: "For decades of living together, I have never been treated kindly by my husband. I always live in a state of anxiety and panic because I am afraid that my husband will beat me and abuse me in many ways."

In Dong's indictment, she reported that because she was so upset by her husband's strange sexual demands in the middle of the cornfield, she beat her husband until he passed out. Then, thinking the victim was dead, she dragged her husband out onto the street to create a fake crime scene.

According to the report of the Department of Culture and Sports, in 2017, Nghe An had 601 cases of domestic violence, including 58 cases of wives abusing their husbands. The localities with the largest number of cases of wives abusing their husbands were Ky Son with 21/81 (cases of domestic violence), Anh Son with 17/59 cases, Dien Chau with 5/21 cases. In 601 cases of domestic violence, there were 322 cases of physical violence; 232 cases of mental violence; 46 cases of economic violence. Of these, 58 victims were male and 54 victims were female.

"Because of you" or "because of her"?

These are cases of wife abusing her husband leading to serious consequences and the wife having to go to jail, serving a prison sentence; leaving a bad name for her husband's family and children, even herself, because of her cruel behavior. In reality, there are many cases of husband abuse, but only neighbors, inter-family groups or even children, parents and relatives know. To point out the root cause, almost all mediation groups in areas with many cases of domestic violence believe that the fault originates from the husband.

Mr. Nguyen Sy Tuong - Head of the Culture Department of Anh Son district - a locality where 50 cases of domestic violence were recorded in 2017, said: "According to the reflection of the conciliation officers of the residential group in the district, many families in discord all stem from the fact that the husband had an extramarital affair before, so he neglected his wife when he came home, the wife did not accept that her husband was scolding or beating her for no reason, so she argued loudly; or there were cases where the husband often drank heavily, so the wife could not bear it and fought back...".

According to Mr. Tuong, in the district there were up to 50 cases of domestic violence, including 22 cases of mental abuse and 17 cases of physical abuse, but the perpetrators were women, accounting for nearly 1/3.

Dramatization contest to propagate domestic violence prevention and control among women in Linh Son commune (Anh Son). Photo: Thanh Nga

Regarding this, Mr. Tuong said: “The cases that are recorded are cases where the victim has “exposed his back to others”, meaning that the victim himself spoke up to ask for advice; at the same time, these are also cases that are negative and difficult to reconcile, but it is very difficult to point out who is the perpetrator of domestic violence. There are cases that have lasted for decades, now the husband and wife no longer look at each other, whenever they meet, they fight and curse, the wife does not let the husband into the house, the husband does not accept the wife but does not divorce. Or there are cases where the husband has an illicit relationship but often thinks that the wife is the one causing discord in the family, making the wife resentful, from there she becomes irritable, unreasonably angry with her husband and children, and commits violence against her husband”.

This was noted by the inter-family group in village 8, Linh Son commune, when this hamlet had mediated many difficult cases. The head of the inter-family group in village 8 reported: There was a case where the wife reported that she often had to endure "bad food and bad soup" in the family, but when directly mediated, the husband thought that he was the victim.

Ms. Nguyen Thi Hoa - Chairwoman of Linh Son Commune Women's Union said: "In Linh Son area, there are 14 trusted addresses ready to receive people's concerns for consultation, but very few receive voluntary consultation from husbands". Also according to the opinion of members of the Steering Committee for Family Work in Anh Son district, domestic violence cases in which the victims are male are very few, the cases recorded in which women are the abusers are actually just spontaneous cases.

At the provincial family work steering committee conference, some members of the steering committee expressed their opinions: In modern society, domestic violence is recorded not only from men, when in reality, in many families, women are the root cause. Many women often cause mental abuse to their husbands without knowing it, such as too strict economic management, or blind jealousy. However, to identify the exact cause of violence cases where the perpetrator is a woman is still controversial.

Ms. Le Thi Nguyet - Head of Child Care and Gender Equality Department, Department of Labor - Invalids and Social Affairs said: “In reality, detecting and recording domestic violence cases still faces many difficulties, and the statistics are not complete and accurate. The coordination between departments, branches and organizations is not close, and the branches have not really taken action to handle domestic violence cases. That is why there is a situation where in a case of domestic violence, if the victim is a man, the authorities conclude that the woman is the abuser, without considering the whole process of living together; or in many cases of violence, the woman is the root cause, but due to lack of understanding, she is not aware that she is the abuser. Simply because domestic violence cases are often hidden, only relatives know the truth.”