Western husband wins custody of child from Vietnamese mother: 'I was shocked and lost all faith'
(Baonghean.vn) - The recent trial of a Western husband and Vietnamese wife for divorce and child custody in Vinh City, Nghe An received public attention because of many notable details.
After the court's decision to give custody of the child to the wife, Nghe An Newspaper reporter had a conversation with the husband, Bradley Ryan Chilewitz.
PV: Hello Mr. Bradley, can you tell us your feelings after receiving the verdict of the People's Court of Nghe An province on June 13?
Bradley:Very disappointed. I will appeal to a higher court and fight to the end to win custody of my child.
PV: The court also ruled that due to regulations on real estate ownership for foreigners, all assets in Vietnam will be transferred to your wife, and you will receive the difference of 500 million VND. Are you satisfied with this ruling, because in the court session you requested to divide all assets in half, including beds, wardrobes, tables and chairs...?
Bradley:Of course not, because all the assets mentioned above are money I sent back from working abroad. After the trial, I heard many people comment that the request to divide all assets, big or small, is not “manly”. I think this is a cultural difference between Vietnamese people and foreigners.
But now it doesn't matter anymore. My daughter is the most important thing.
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| The divorce and custody trial between Bradley Ryan Chilewitz and his wife on June 13. Photo courtesy: Nhu Binh. |
PV: Your ex-wife said you abused her and her child many times, kicked them out of the house, then asked for forgiveness because you wanted to mend the relationship. Is this true?
Bradley:Totally fabricated. On the contrary, my ex-wife was the one who physically and mentally terrorized me during our time together.
When we returned to Ireland after we got married, we shared a house with some friends and then with my brother and his wife. But we had to move house after house because my wife was aggressive with everyone. She was always jealous for no reason, asking everyone in the family if I was having an affair. When they denied it and advised her to trust me, she became angry and spiteful.
At the peak, she once threw a knife at my sister-in-law, luckily she dodged it. After that, my brother asked my wife and I to move out of the house.
I was once stabbed by her with scissors out of jealousy. That day, I came home from work, my husband and I had an argument, and I went to bed. While I was lying down, she sat on me, took the scissors and stabbed me in the chest. That time, I had to go to the hospital.
Over the time we lived together, I realized that my ex-wife was someone who could not control her behavior. I used to have long hair, but after getting married, I had to shave my head because she pulled my hair. Many times she scratched me until I bled and bruised, and I had to put on makeup when I went to work because I didn't want people to be curious.
Then every time we argued, she got mad, grabbed a knife and started slashing and destroying things in the house. I didn't want to hurt her, so I just pushed her out the door and told her to come in when she calmed down. The neighbors in the building heard the noise and called the police. If I had really abused her, the police would have arrested me, because in my country, violence against women is a very serious act.
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| Wedding photo of the couple. Bradley said he used to have long hair but after getting married he had to shave it off because his wife often pulled his hair and scratched him when they argued. Photo: NVCC. |
PV: So your married life is not happy?
Bradley:It’s true and it’s not true. Many of my friends and family asked me, “Brad, how can you live with someone like that?”. I could only tell them that I loved her very much, loved her blindly.
I first met her in 2001 in Nha Trang. At that time, I and a few others invested in opening a restaurant and bar. When I met my ex-wife, she was a PG for a beer company. We got to know each other and dated until 2003 when I returned to Ireland. After that, we kept in touch and maintained our relationship via the internet.
That period was really difficult because of the language barrier and the distance. I threw myself into work to prepare for a happy future together. In 2006, I returned to Vietnam, raised the issue of marriage and prepared all the documents.
In 2007, we held a wedding in my wife's hometown - Dien Chau. A few weeks after the wedding, we went to Ireland. There, I asked her if she wanted to work at a casino with me (I was a casino manager), but she refused. I suggested she learn English so that she could learn a trade or work more easily. She also refused.
Several times I introduced my wife to jobs through my acquaintances but she was fired after a short time. During the time we lived together, she mostly stayed at home and went out with Vietnamese friends.
In 2010, our daughter Vanessa was born. Since having her, I have devoted everything - money, time, love - to my wife and children. Whether it is cleaning the house, cooking, going to the bank, taking the children to school, I asked her to share the work, but even if she did not agree, I would happily do it.
I can’t remember the last time I bought myself a new shirt or pair of pants. But as long as it was something my wife and children needed, I never regretted it. I loved her so much, even though she was jealous and acted out of control, I sympathized with her because I thought she had to be away from her family, in a new country, experiencing culture shock and feeling lonely.
PV: What was the reason that made the conflict between you and your wife reach its peak and lead to divorce?
Bradley:In 2012, my wife, daughter Vanessa and I returned to Vietnam and deposited 25,000 euros into a bank account in my wife's name in Vietnam. The purpose was to buy land and build a house in my wife's hometown (Dien Thanh, Dien Chau) so that the whole family could return to Vietnam to settle down. That money was entirely from my hard work and savings in a bank abroad. My wife had no job so where would she get the money?
In February 2014, my wife returned to Vietnam to build a house. She brought her daughter with her. I told her, “When you return to Ireland, you must take your daughter with you and don’t leave her in Vietnam.” She promised and swore to do exactly that. When she returned to Vietnam, she kept calling me to urge me to send her money. She said she needed 5,000 euros, then she needed another 2,000 euros, then she needed more, needed more…
When I sent her more than 10,000 euros and she still called to ask for money, I couldn't help but wonder: "The 25,000 euros that I previously deposited in my bank account to buy land and build a house are still there, plus more than 10,000 euros, what are you going to do?"
In September 2014, she returned to Ireland. I happily went to the airport to pick her up with a bouquet of flowers, but only my wife returned. I asked where the child was and she said she left it at home with her grandmother. That was the last straw.
I cannot accept that a woman would leave her child without discussing it with me. I am her husband, the father of my daughter, I have the right to know and have an opinion. The child is so young, yet she has the heart to let her live far away from her parents. When I wanted to return to Vietnam to pick up my child, my wife even put a knife to my neck and threatened to force me to leave my passport.
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| Mr. Bradley and his daughter Vanessa. Photo: NVCC. |
PV: Your ex-wife said in court that you behaved in an uncultured manner and insulted her family members. Is this true?
Bradley:What is considered insulting and uncultured? What if her brother-in-law threatened to kill me? I affirm that I have done nothing to offend her family's dignity and body. I just disagree with the way her family cares for and educates my daughter. That is a father's legitimate right.
During the time I returned to Vietnam to pick up my child, I was loved and respected by the local people, but on the contrary, I noticed that they were not sympathetic to my wife's family. Once, I was invited to a wedding but they told me, "Don't bring Mrs. M. (my mother-in-law) along."
I don’t know much about my wife’s family. Before we got married, I heard that her mother had been to jail. My wife explained: Her mother was a landlord, she stabbed two men who tried to break in at night and had to go to jail.
But when I went to do the paperwork, get confirmation from the local government and related people to pick up my child, a government employee told me that my mother-in-law was in jail for harboring and brokering prostitutes. Seeing me stunned, he also showed me the file.
At that time, I was extremely shocked and lost all faith. I felt like the whole past was just a series of lies. But the more I felt like that, the more determined I was to take my daughter back, not to let her live in such a complicated environment.
PV: What is your wish now?
Bradley:I have only one wish: to raise my daughter Vanessa. I want to take her back to Ireland where I can give her a good life.
I know it will be hard. I left work and opportunities abroad for almost a year to be here. And I will continue to stay, doing everything I can to be with my daughter.
As for my ex-wife, I think our marriage ended because of our huge cultural differences and lack of trust in each other. I no longer have any faith in marriage and probably won’t have it in the future.
PV: Thank you for sharing!
Minh Nhat
(Perform)
