School Sex: If You Don't Draw the Line Right, the "Deer" Will Run Wrong

Mr. Tran Thanh Nam (PhD in Child and Adolescent Psychology - VNU) said that the important thing in sex education and sexual education for children is to guide children in skills to delay the age of sexual intercourse, skills to refuse when encountering dangerous situations, handling situations of abuse, communicating in accordance with age standards and preventing possible risks.

PV: What do you think about the sex education program in Vietnam?

Dr. Tran Thanh Nam:Sex education programs must always be age-appropriate, culturally appropriate, and based on children’s rights. The limited space in the classroom is not enough to provide children with both attitudes and skills.

Our sex education program is not necessarily accurate, teachers are shy when talking about it, not to mention the attitude. Therefore, students will feel that it is taboo, ashamed, not daring to ask adults but only asking friends. Insufficient knowledge, uncertain attitude, it is difficult for them to make the right decision.

PV:What information about gender and sexuality are teenagers usually interested in, sir?

Dr. Tran Thanh Nam:As puberty begins, children will begin to explore topics such as male and female genitalia, sexually transmitted diseases, appropriate and inappropriate touching; pregnancy and childbirth; dating and relationship stress; condoms and birth control pills; homosexuality and bisexuality; the nature of love; masturbation, harassment, virginity; oral sex, and more.

In addition to general issues, each child has their own specific questions. Parents need to prepare in advance for such situations.

Here are some real stories:

- I'm so bored, I'm in 10th grade but I still don't know how to flirt while all my friends have dated and had sex with so many girls.

- Is oral sex safe? Can it cause pregnancy?

- Why does my private area grow so much hair? Is there anything unusual?

- Why do my parents keep forbidding me because “You are too young”. Aren't you old enough and serious enough at this age?

- I watched a sex movie with a group of friends. I felt very excited and wanted to try it.

- We love each other and recently he wants to take things further. Am I ready for sex? How do I know if I'm ready?

Parents do not need to be direct providers of all these issues, but more importantly, they need to be sources, orientate to legitimate sources of information, and reaffirm attitudes on important issues.

PV: With so many concerns, why don't you ask your parents and teachers?

Dr. Tran Thanh Nam:Some of the most common reasons that prevent children from sharing are, first, fear of negative reactions from their parents. Second, fear that their parents will think they have done something wrong, such as having sex, to ask such questions. Third, simply not knowing how to start talking about this issue because there is never a suitable time, parents are always busy and do not have the patience to listen to them.

Finally, based on the child's previous observational experiences, the child believes that the parent will be angry and will not understand what he says, so it is best to keep quiet.

Because of such beliefs and barriers, children will secretly seek information through adult websites and peer groups. The “deer” begins to believe and run astray from here.

Parents play the most important role in sex education and sexual education for children.

PV: Could you tell us about the role of parents in sex education for children?

Dr. Tran Thanh Nam:With the above situation, parents cannot worry about "drawing a path for the deer to run" because when puberty comes, "the deer will run". If parents do not draw the right path, the "deer" will get lost and run the wrong way.

Parents need to be aware that the primary responsibility for sex education lies with parents. Parents do not need to be experts to educate their children. Parents also need to understand that the most important thing in sex education is not knowledge about it but attitude towards it.

In the context of a lot of information, parents should equip themselves with knowledge, know the goals of their children's developmental milestones and the goals of educating their children at each stage, and not consider this issue as a taboo.

Parents need to talk calmly and openly with their children about this issue and maintain a close relationship, regularly caring for and exchanging with each other.

PV: When do parents need to educate their children about sex?

Dr. Tran Thanh Nam:Although family education is very necessary, most of the conversations between parents and children about this issue often happen too late. What is too late? When we start talking about this topic and the child becomes red-faced, embarrassed, and confused, it means we have started too late.

Therefore, parents need to educate their children about sex early, right from when they are in kindergarten. In addition, schools and society also need to change their views on sex education and sexual education, thereby equipping children with the right knowledge to improve their quality of life.

Regarding gender and sexuality, parents need to share with their children their attitudes towards “running red lights” (having sex); explain why it is necessary to delay “running red lights” until the appropriate time.

Research evidence shows that 88% of children will delay their “red light running” behavior if their parents talk calmly and openly with their children about this issue and maintain a close relationship, regularly caring for and exchanging with each other.

Through such family stories, children will correct false information they get from the Internet or friends (for example, the false belief that all their friends have had sex. In fact, many guys say it just to show off and to show off to their friends).

PV: Can you suggest specific methods of parenting for children?

Dr. Tran Thanh Nam:First, parents need to fight their own false beliefs and barriers to talking to their children about this topic. Identify false thoughts and beliefs such as: This is giving deer a way to run; If I talk to them, they might think I am open-minded and allow this issue; My parents didn't talk to me about this, so I'm fine; Just preparing my child for the wedding is enough.

Specific educational measures:

Build trust.You can help your child gain more trust by saying: I may be busy now but I will definitely make time to listen to you; I understand how you feel about these concerns, I have had similar concerns before; I will keep it a secret if you want; I am glad you trust me enough to share these things with you…

Discuss the values ​​of love and family.You can start with discussion questions like: Your parents think you should wait until at least college. What do you think? What do you think are the possible consequences of having sex at this age? If you think that all your friends are having sex, you are wrong, the truth is…

Encourage your child's autonomy.At this age, your child may not have enough information to make an informed decision – that’s normal. As a parent, we’re here to listen and help you weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. Remember! We see that you have many other interests and strengths, so invest time in them. Remember, the time we spend with you is the most valuable support and encouragement.

Practice with your partner what you will talk about with your child.Parents need to be aware that the fact that parents are shy and hesitant when talking about this topic with their children makes the children feel that this is a taboo topic and should not be discussed with their parents. Practicing with your partner beforehand also helps parents be consistent in their behavior and attitude when communicating with children.